top 10 handguns

EL FISHO'S TOP TEN CONCEALED CARRY HANDGUNS. I've carried a gun for many years, first as an officer and later as a citizen with a concealed hangun license (CHL). Over the past near 30 years of gun carrying, I've had my favorites which ...Brownells.com - -(AmmoLand.com)- This month, we concentrate on handguns, with 10 top-quality products to help you customize your handgun or pistol for a variety of shooting tasks. We have parts and accessories to tune your gun for ...Every year the Marion Co. Sheriff's Dept. destroys thousands of guns collected from the streets of Indy. Some of those guns come from law abiding gun owners, but land in the hands of the wrong people. ,While I am not a gun owner, I still find it interesting that guns remain today the most common weapon used by military and civilians alike. During their long history, no one has come up with a suitable and as-popular alternative (such ...My case is a little more aggravated than most because of some recent nerve damage on top of ol' Arthur. So I decided to see if I couldn't continue shooting pistols by locating a good pair of padded gloves.......and I did. In my local Lowe's store I found a big .... UAE Caracal pistols, CK1, Handguns, 34, 05-29-2009 06:14 PM. Shooting & Arthritis, ftncityfatboy, General Off-Topic, 7, 02-21-2009 10:23 AM. Hungarian AP-7 Pistols, fastshotivy, Handguns, 0, 01-15-2009 10:06 PM ...I only reviewed the Top 10 infantry rifle list, as that's where my expertise lies. However the list wasn't without controversy with many accusing it of being to American-focused. This time around, they're picking their “Top 10 Handguns ...In true Texas style, civilians in the area ran to their vehicles and brought out their own deer rifles, shotguns, and handguns, and returned fire to the top of the tower, pinning Whitman down well enough for nine officers to get to the ...They will say something like, "I only want criminals to carry handguns." You just don't understand. Reply to this Top. It's called the Bill of Rights February 8, 2008 @ 10:28 AM | Flag Comment. What part appalls you? ...Standard SKSs come with a traditional stock and a 10-round “box” magazine, which loaded from the top of the gun. However, after market, pistol grip type stocks are available, as are higher capacity magazines (check your state's gun laws ...Number Of Women Buying Handguns Increasing. Posted by Howie On October - 28 - 2009. Pamela Jones. Gun_Generic CHICAGO (CBS) ―Local gun shop owners say they're seeing an increase in the number of women shoppers right now. ... “You know, take the class, take the course, protect yourself.” And she's not alone. A National Shooting Sports Foundation survey found that the top two reasons women seek firearms training are for personal protection and target practice. ...
Well my wife and i went to a Gander Mountain today to brows at handguns for me. to start with the gunsmith was a real ******, i could just see him sizing me up and judging me. anyways i ask him whats a good handgun for self defence and some target shooting. he starts by asking my wife if shes gonna use it, well her answer is no. so right away he tells me that there's no point in getting a gun if she isn't going to use it (if im not home).after that he pulls out the ol snake shooter, ya know the one that has a double barrel one on top of the other that shoots 4/10's he says this is what you want. i look at him like wtf, who am i gonna stop with this not to mention only two shots(not to much fun for target practice). i mean i know a shot gun shell can be very effective and has a great spread but like i said im looking for self defence(shoot to kill) and target shooting. my other concern was safety i told him i wouldn't mind a grip saftey, he gives me a dirty look and says you dont want all those mechanical saftys all you need is the basic saftey( the one like on a pellet gun). that was after i told him i have kids and there saftey was my priority. anyways i was just wondering if theres some truth in what he was saying or was he just looking at me like heres another gun uneducated person. whats everyone opinion on what i should get ? i know i would like to have a 40 or 45, action doesnt matter. I do have handgun experience and plan on being a police officer in a year


10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.


Please Tell Me What You Think About It

In the late 1980's and early 1990's, the frequency of crimes involving firearms became a very public issue. The attempted assassination of President Reagan and critical wounding of numerous police officers in a highly publicized shootout with bank robbers in California raised the issue of the need to ban certain types of weapons. For nearly a decade, the need for an assault weapons ban was a hotly debated subject. In 1994, Congress succumbed to public pressure and passed the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban. Eventually, the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban was proven to be an impotent piece of legislation due to it's ineffectiveness in banning true assault weapons, and its near uselessness as a crime prevention tool.
During the 1980s and early 1990s, Assault Weapons and other semiautomatic firearms were involved in a number of highly publicized mass murder incidents that raised public concern about the accessibility of high powered, military-style weaponry. Let’s just take a moment and look at what an assault rifle is according to the law. The law classifies an assault weapon as "a semiautomatic rifle that has an ability to accept a detachable magazine and has at least two of the following features: 1. a folding or telescoping stock; 2. a pistol grip; 3. bayonet lugs; 4. a flash suppressor or threaded barrel designed to accommodate a flash suppressor; and 5. a grenade launcher." While the frequency of "drive-by bayonetings" dropped dramatically, the use of true assault weapons in crime did not. Indeed, Assault Weapons were involved in 10 %, of 15 mass shooting incidents occurring between 1984 and 1993, but when looking at the nation’s gun crime problem more broadly, AWs were used in only a minority of gun crimes prior to the 1994 federal ban,. Numerous studies have examined the use of AWs in crime prior to the federal ban. According to these accounts, AWs typically accounted for up to 8% of guns used in crime, similarly, the most common AWs prohibited by the 1994 federal ban accounted for between 1% and 6% of guns used in crime according to the F.B.I. One must ponder, why would legislatures expend so much energy on outlawing guns which, except for appearances, are no more dangerous than many other guns? The answer is that most of the legislators who wrote and voted for the gun bans have never actually studied the functional characteristics of "assault weapons." Gun bans are not drafted by technical experts who compare guns at a firing range. Instead, the ban was derived by flipping through a picture book of guns, and picking out the guns which looked most menacing. When one of the sponsors of the ban was challenged about what an "assault weapon" really was, the Senator replied that he knew one when he saw one.
Although AWs are used in a small percentage of gun crimes, some have argued that AWs are more likely to be used in crime than other guns, i.e., that AWs are more attractive to criminal than lawful gun users due to the weapons’ military-style features and their particularly large ammunition magazines. Yet the statistics tell otherwise. Even so, most survey evidence on the actual use of AWs suggests that offenders rarely use AWs in crime. In a 1991 national survey of adult state prisoners, 8% of the inmates reported possessing a “military-type” firearm at some point in the past. Similarly, while 10% of adult inmates and 5% of juvenile inmates in a Virginia survey reported having owned an AR, none of the adult inmates and only 1% of the juvenile inmates reported having carried them at crime scenes. In contrast, 4% to 8% of inmates surveyed in eight jails across rural and urban areas of Illinois and Iowa reported having used an Aw in committing crimes. On similar note, in 2005 the Federal Bureau of Investigation released a report that noted the top 10 firearms most frequently used in crimes, Interestingly enough, none of the firearms reported on the list were ever classified as an assault weapon, moreover, none of the weapons listed ever carried more than seven rounds .The relative rarity of AW use amongst criminals can be attributed to a number of factors. Many AWs are long guns, which are used in crime much less often than handguns. Also, AWs are more expensive and more difficult to conceal than the types of handguns that are used most frequently used by criminals. Despite their "evil" appearance, so-called "assault weapons" are no more dangerous than many non-semiautomatics. According to empirical evidence and police experience, the guns are not the weapons of choice of drug dealers or other criminals. Even if these guns played a significant role in violent crime, sociological evidence suggests that "assault weapon" legislation would not reduce the criminal misuse.
Furthermore, with all the controversy surrounding criminals and assault weapons, one must imagine if assault weapons really serve a purpose in modern day society. During the 1992 Los Angeles riots the Ak-47 assa
assault rifle was used successfully by Korean shopkeepers to fend off looters during the three days of civil unrest. Similarly, In the wake of hurricane katrina, many stranded survivors used the AR-15 assault rifle to protect themselves from violent looters and roaming bands of gangs. The simlicity and rugged reliability of the rifles mentioned above contributed to the success of these lawful citizens righteous preservation of life,liberty and property. Supporters of "assault weapon" legislation assert that they are not impinging on the right to bear arms because "assault weapons" are not "sporting guns." In fact, many "assault weapons" are well-suited for target shooting and other sports. The fact that some "assault weapons" are related in design history to military firearms does not mean that they are unsuitable for field sports. After all, firearms styled after military weapons have been the favorites of sportsmen throughout the United States. For competitive target-shooting, the m
. In fact, the Colt AR-15 and its ancestors, loaded with 20 or 30 round magazines, have long been required weapons in some Civilian Marksmanship competitions. Most of the other politically incorrect rifles outlawed by the gun bans are usable in other Civilian Marksmanship events, and are highly prized competition target guns. Before the "assault weapon" controversy erupted, the firearms experts with the California Department of Justice had privately warned that "assault weapon" legislation would devastate the world of target competition.
When the federal assault-weapons ban expired in September 2003, its fans claimed that gun crimes and police killings would surge dramatically. Sarah Brady, one of the nation’s leading gun-control advocates, warned, "Our streets are going to be filled with AK-47s and Uzis. Well, more than 5 years have gone by and the only casualty has been gun-controllers’ credibility. Letting the law expire only showed its uselessness. In fact, the FBI announced last


Please Tell Me What You Think About It

In the late 1980's and early 1990's, the frequency of crimes involving firearms became a very public issue. The attempted assassination of President Reagan and critical wounding of numerous police officers in a highly publicized shootout with bank robbers in California raised the issue of the need to ban certain types of weapons. For nearly a decade, the need for an assault weapons ban was a hotly debated subject. In 1994, Congress succumbed to public pressure and passed the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban. Eventually, the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban was proven to be an impotent piece of legislation due to it's ineffectiveness in banning true assault weapons, and its near uselessness as a crime prevention tool.
During the 1980s and early 1990s, Assault Weapons and other semiautomatic firearms were involved in a number of highly publicized mass murder incidents that raised public concern about the accessibility of high powered, military-style weaponry. Let’s just take a moment and look at what an assault rifle is according to the law. The law classifies an assault weapon as "a semiautomatic rifle that has an ability to accept a detachable magazine and has at least two of the following features: 1. a folding or telescoping stock; 2. a pistol grip; 3. bayonet lugs; 4. a flash suppressor or threaded barrel designed to accommodate a flash suppressor; and 5. a grenade launcher." While the frequency of "drive-by bayonetings" dropped dramatically, the use of true assault weapons in crime did not. Indeed, Assault Weapons were involved in 10 %, of 15 mass shooting incidents occurring between 1984 and 1993, but when looking at the nation’s gun crime problem more broadly, AWs were used in only a minority of gun crimes prior to the 1994 federal ban,. Numerous studies have examined the use of AWs in crime prior to the federal ban. According to these accounts, AWs typically accounted for up to 8% of guns used in crime, similarly, the most common AWs prohibited by the 1994 federal ban accounted for between 1% and 6% of guns used in crime according to the F.B.I. One must ponder, why would legislatures expend so much energy on outlawing guns which, except for appearances, are no more dangerous than many other guns? The answer is that most of the legislators who wrote and voted for the gun bans have never actually studied the functional characteristics of "assault weapons." Gun bans are not drafted by technical experts who compare guns at a firing range. Instead, the ban was derived by flipping through a picture book of guns, and picking out the guns which looked most menacing. When one of the sponsors of the ban was challenged about what an "assault weapon" really was, the Senator replied that he knew one when he saw one.
Although AWs are used in a small percentage of gun crimes, some have argued that AWs are more likely to be used in crime than other guns, i.e., that AWs are more attractive to criminal than lawful gun users due to the weapons’ military-style features and their particularly large ammunition magazines. Yet the statistics tell otherwise. Even so, most survey evidence on the actual use of AWs suggests that offenders rarely use AWs in crime. In a 1991 national survey of adult state prisoners, 8% of the inmates reported possessing a “military-type” firearm at some point in the past. Similarly, while 10% of adult inmates and 5% of juvenile inmates in a Virginia survey reported having owned an AR, none of the adult inmates and only 1% of the juvenile inmates reported having carried them at crime scenes. In contrast, 4% to 8% of inmates surveyed in eight jails across rural and urban areas of Illinois and Iowa reported having used an Aw in committing crimes. On similar note, in 2005 the Federal Bureau of Investigation released a report that noted the top 10 firearms most frequently used in crimes, Interestingly enough, none of the firearms reported on the list were ever classified as an assault weapon, moreover, none of the weapons listed ever carried more than seven rounds .The relative rarity of AW use amongst criminals can be attributed to a number of factors. Many AWs are long guns, which are used in crime much less often than handguns. Also, AWs are more expensive and more difficult to conceal than the types of handguns that are used most frequently used by criminals. Despite their "evil" appearance, so-called "assault weapons" are no more dangerous than many non-semiautomatics. According to empirical evidence and police experience, the guns are not the weapons of choice of drug dealers or other criminals. Even if these guns played a significant role in violent crime, sociological evidence suggests that "assault weapon" legislation would not reduce the criminal misuse.
Furthermore, with all the controversy surrounding criminals and assault weapons, one must imagine if assault weapons really serve a purpose in modern day society. During the 1992 Los Angeles riots the Ak-47 assa





a couple days ago my two dogs attacked my fiancee...we together raised them dogs from birth...they were both 120lbs each...my fiance is 100lbs...i pulled the dogs off her and threw them in the yard...30 seconds later..i got my handgun and shot them both..both are dead now...but i feel i did the wrong thing now..even though it was instinct b4...im sad now...either way they had to go..but i feel it was wrong the way i did it:( ...ne1 wants to read the story..its in the top 10 stories from readingeagle.com
i dont know why they attacked...im sure there was a trigger that set them off but i was in the livingroom with my son so i didnt see what the trigger was...my guess is that they were in a redzone from the neigbors and it translated to my fiancee


1...It's much safer for democratic nations' top banks and insurance
companies to be govt-owned than private-owned.

2...Buildings higher than 100 storeys, land vehicles faster than 200kph,
10-20yr olds having easy access to handguns, and fast women who
are exceptionally beautiful---have a strong tendency to give shivers
or heart attacks.

Interesting answer in a philosophical fashion gets BA fast! Enjoy and thanks!





evidence

on 1/20/01 the following items were located in a green ford pick up truck, bearing new york license tfh789 driven by and registered to ricky moon. a search of the vehicle was conducted after a search warrant issued by judge l.c. green on 1/20/01 was obtained.

- .38 caliber blue steel revolver, serial number 78695., 4-inch barrel, black rubber grips
- green money bag, top zipper, first national bank, first avenue, new york, new york
- blue ski cap with eye holes cut in the fabric.
- blue jeans with red dye stain
- black work boots
- pump shotgun, brown wood stock, serial number 436790
- 5,000 in one hundred dollar bills

suspect description

bank robbery witnesses provided the following descriptions of the individual who robbed the first national bank, first avenue, new york ,new york, on 1/20/01.

witness joe katz provided the following information: the suspect was a white male 5'10" , 185 pounds, wearing blue jeans, black boots, and a dark ski cap. the suspect had black hair and blue eyes. he was carrying a shotgun and had a handgun in his pants pocket. he was right handed and about 25 to 27 years old.

witness frank beamer provided the following information. the suspect was a white male, 6'3', carrying a shotgun and handgun; weight, 200 pounds; age 32; hair , brown/ the suspect was wearing blue jeans, a blue ski cap, black shoes, a gold necklace, dark glasses, and a dark jacket.


summary

on 1/20/01, a bank robbery suspect was stopped 2 blocks from the first national bank, new york, new york, driving a green pickup truck when officer jacskon observed red dye coming out of the truck windows. the officer had heard a radio report that the first national bank had been robbed 5 minutes earlier. officer jackson stopped the vehicle, and after the suspect exited the vehicle, he was identified as ricky moon, a white male, 22 years of age; height 6' ; weight, 192; wearing blue jeans and a ski cap. moon was transported back to the bank, where witnesses beamer and katz identified moon as the bank robber who held up the first national bank on 1/20/01 at approximately 1:30pm moon was subsequently arrested and advised of his miranda rights by officer jackson. moon was transported to the police station for interrogation.


Star Wars
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke are at a Chinese restausant. Luke is having problems using the chopsticks. Ben says 'Use the Forks, Luke'!


What did the alien say to the gardener?
Take me to your weeder!


Stargate
How many McKays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 (if it's Rodney), but he'll need at least 3 people to yell at while he's doing it.


Stargate
Nox, nox!
Who's There?
(sigh) Nevermind.......


Stargate
How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: five to worship it as a god of light; one to point out that if it WAS a god of light, it's now a dead, false god; and one to go against convention and change the lightbulb himself.

How many Goa'uld does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to order the Jaffa to change it for them and another to execute the Jaffa after the job's done.

How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb?
One: he'll call the Tau'ri to have them change the light bulb, but won't tell them what they're there to do until they get there.

How many Asgard does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to beam it out of the socket, and another to clone the old bulb so the first can beam the new copy into place.

How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb?
None: no respectable Ancient would interfere in the affairs of mortals.

How many Priors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it must be the will of the Ori that it be changed.

How many Ori does it take to change a light bulb?
One, so long as the Tau'ri can figure out a way to build a quantum light bulb that the little glowy bugger can't get out of easily


Star Wars
Did you hear what happened to the spoon?
No,what?
It became one with the forks!


Star Wars
What's the name of the nastiest alligator in the universe?
Darth Gator!


Reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic:

Titanic may be big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY better action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to just lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a diplomat, a freedom fighter, a brilliant strategist, and Jedi material; Rose is just cute marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't say "WOW! Look at the size of that thing!" with any sincerity.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by an evil madman with a lightsaber as opposed to an idiot with a handgun.

a. Titanic is egalitarian in that it portrays poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to the rank of Admiral.

b. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he greases his toupee, sneers at the poor, and treats his fiance like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he wears an ominous, voluminous black cape and mysterious mask, strangles people with a glance and blows up entire planets for sport.

Yeah, okay, so Leo can dance...but can he fly an X-wing?

People have never lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: Harrison Ford

There are always more than enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you have any idea what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would either . . .
A: Cut himself free with his lightsaber;
B: Use the Force to get the key; or
C: Han Solo would come in at the last second and blast the cuffs off.

"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie."

We all knew the boat was gonna sink, but who was ready for "No. . . I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg!

Han, though frozen solid in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament, returns in excellent health to mount a successful mission against the Empire on Endor, crushing the enemy and single-handedly paving the way for a brilliant air campaign which results in the destruction of the Empire's second attempt at a Death Star, AND claims the heart of his woman with whom he will live happily ever after. Jack, on the other hand, simply freezes.


Star Trek
Q: How many ears has Spock?
A: Three. Left ear, right ear and the final front ear


Stargate
A Serpant guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose.....drips.


Star Wars
Top Ten Reasons Why Star Wars Characters are Better

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- The Millannium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh -- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: Lightsaber

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire withone glance

5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is "M" class or not.

4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I"

1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.


Star Wars
Q: What goes ha-ha-ha-thump?
A: A droid laughing its head off.


Star Wars
Q: Which Star Wars character uses meat for a weapon instead of a Lightsaber?
A: Obi Wan Baloney.


Star Wars
On May 4th I always tell people
"May the fourth be with you".
it only works once a year, but you'll have plenty of time to practice to duck.


Star Wars
Duct tape is EXACTLY like the force. it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.


Six ways you know you're lost...

#1 When you're fighting the Enterprise for a parking space

#2 When you look out your window and see a black hole

#3 If you roll down your window to ask for directions and you get beamed up

#4 The folks in the 'ship next to you are pale greenish,have stringy white hair,and are licking their lips at the sight of you

#5 The bumper sticker in front of you says BEEN 2 ROSWELL

#6 The sign ahead says, 'Thanks For Visiting The Milky Way. Come Again .'


Stargate
How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. McKay to complain about having to change the lightbulb, Zelenka to say his family didn't have electricity and Sam to threaten McKay with a lemon and actually change the lightbulb!


Stargate
How many SG teams does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to rescue the first team!


Stargate
How to get an alien device to work:

Thor: Beam it up, study it, decide it's hazardous and get help from the humans.

Vala: Kick it.

O'Neill: Get Carter.

Jackson: Read the label.

McKay: Complain about it till someone threatens him and then get it working in three minutes.


Star Trek
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain

9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being

8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate

7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer

6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him

5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices

4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults

3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth

2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"

1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"


Star Trek
Bumper Stickers Seen On The U.S.S Enterprise

."Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"

"One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"

"HONK if you've slept with Capt. Kirk!"

"Guns don't kill people... Phasers do!"

"Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"

"CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."

"If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"

"Have you hugged a Tribble today?"

Dr. McCoy: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer: "We serve anybody. Sit down."

Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"

What do you call two Science Officers having an argument?
Science Friction
You probably would have had to seen at least a few of episodes of the TV shows for it to make any sense.
If you don't know anything about any of the shows please don't answer.
The responses to a couple of the jokes proves that you should not take suggestions for jokes from your family.


I got curios as to what my wife has been surfing on the net...it seems she is a porn freak....after 10 yrs of no sex with her I find out she has been surfing porn sites.....and to top[ it off she has been coming home late from work and someimes she cancels our evening out..or calls to find out if I''l be home in the evening.....should I be worried or shuld I tell her I'll be out and and show up suprisingly with a handgun and shovel in the trunk?


Subject: Contest for Most Stupid
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot
high cliff on his daily run while talking on his cell
phone.

Sixth Place
In Buxton, NC a man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as
he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him
beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the
outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to
claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,VA ,
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about
200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA , as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle
shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep
his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as
he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville,
Del,as he won a bet with friends who said he would
not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
[As Ron White often says: "You can't fix stupid."
These people prove it is a terminal condition. As
always, competition this year has
been keen.]

Third Place
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree
in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first
(and last), due to his lack of a previous record of
violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms: a gun shop
specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms
customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a
marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter,
having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer,
the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a
few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the
police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a
50 cal. DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers
who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew
and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene
by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47
expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent
autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the
window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a
person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near
by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen.
"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was
watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.

AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn,Germany) fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses
of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under
200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck
his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time he suffocated.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
proves..."SHIT (eventually) happens."


Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18 inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was ponounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place (My personal favorite!)
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC, appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

Second Place
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

Runner-Up
TACOMA , WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

And The Winner
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm finally let it fly, and burried the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Sh-t happens."
I am totally surprised at the number of people that can't read anything longer than 2 lines. Seems like ADD is everywhere. I thought that there was a medication for ADD.


Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women
#10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
#9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.
#8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.
#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month.
#3 A handgun doesn't ask... 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!



According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.


A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." "OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"


do you still want to line up behind him as your political Jesus?

The following list is of beliefs which Alex Jones has explicitly or implicitly stated on his cable access show--sometimes many times


Alex Jones has correctly predicted everything that has happened in the last 10 years. (Can you spell M-E-G-A-L-O-M-A-N-I-A? I thought you could...)
Black helicopters are real.
Charlie Sheen inherited his father's brains.
There's a worldwide takeover going on, perceptible only to dumb white guys.
The ruling elite of the world worship Moloch. (The evidence for this is a blurry video of the show at Bohemian Grove. Alex thinks the Bohemian Grove show is real.)
The secret rulers of the world can live forever. (No one knows where this comes from or why Alex believes it. I think it came from a dream Alex had. As far as I know, the rulers of the world continue to die normally.)
The elite have openly announced that they want to kill 80% of us.
Dick Cheney writes papers saying terrorism isn't real. (Alex wouldn't say what papers. Alex Jones almost never says where he gets his "information.")
The U.S. Government went around Italy blowing up school busses full of children...& admitted it. (Twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-ha-ha-ha!" Alex hears a lot of admissions no one else can hear.)
The left-right political spectrum is bogus (This is the dominant paradigm of stupid people today!)
There are little wires in dollar bills that keep track of what you buy. (Somehow.)
Vicente Fox can morph into a green devil. (Alex says he saw him do it. Honest. This vision occurred when Fox visited Texas, c. 2003-4, & Alex bullhorned him.)
The Communist Chinese Army has taken over the Massachusetts Port Authority.
Illegal aliens live the Life of Reilly in the United States. (In hospital emergency rooms, they always get to go to the front of the line! They also get tax breaks, free school tuition, discounts on Twinkies, etc.! It's part of a secret plot that only Alex Jones has figured out.)
Noam Chomsky is a mongoloid idiot. Also an agent.
There are Illuminati symbols on Starbucks coffee cups. (The Illuminati leave clues visible only to angry white guys with IQ's in the mid-80's.)
Exits on tollroads are 50 miles apart. (It's a takeover! who woulda thought?)
Jacques Cousteau wanted to kill 80% of us. (Jacques, too? I wonder why he didn't live forever?)
Margaret Sanger gave & received awards from Hitler. (When the Nazis weren't burning her books.)
There are live AIDS viruses in the corn. (This means no sex with the corn.)
91% of Americans are Nazis. (Alex says anyone who favors gun control is a Nazi; 91% of Americans favor mandatory handgun registration; that's a lotta Nazis, Alex.)
The United Nations goes around Africa, sterilizing women at random (twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-ha-ha-haa!")
The Founding Fathers were stupid (they were Masons––but they didn't know about the secret conspiracy so obvious to Alex & his friends)
Masons can commit murder. They make a secret sign to the judges and are immediately set free.
All throughout history, governments have always been evil. (Bet you didn't know that. Like most of the Patriots, Alex is an anti-government bigot. He frequently poses as a historian, but no real historian believes what Alex Jones believes.)
Power outages are government plots.
Illegal immigration is a government plot.
The counterculture is a government plot.
Vaccines are a you-know-what.
Thumbscanning is a government plot.
Environmentalism is a government plot.
The National Seatbelt Initiative is a bloody government plot.
Feminism is a government plot.
Tollroads are a gummint plot.
This web page is a government plot.
Your mother is a government plot.
The goddam drug culture is a government plot. (Alex Buzzkill Jones.)
Cell phones are a government plot.
Sports are a government plot...somehow.
Antidepressants are a government plot. (Better you should say "What's NOT a government plot?")
All domestic terror attacks are government plots. (Pulled off by the most inompetent administration in history, fooling everyone in the world except angry white guys with IQ's in the mid-80's.)
The government brings in all the drugs. (All of them! Only Alex Jones knows this. No documentation. No nothing. Just another bad dream Alex mistook for news.)
Arnold Schwartzeneggar is a known Nazi. (Only Alex knows this. Someone alert the Kennedys.)
Arnold Schwartzeneggar is part of an Austrian plot to take over America. (Alex really has it in for Arnie. He has a web page devoted entirely to ad hominem attacks against the ex-terminator.)
Skull & Bones is part of an English plot to take over America.
The United Nations is part of a (very slow) plot to take over America.


***INTERMISSION***
Adjust your tin hats.


Children's cartoons are part of a government plot to brainwash us. (Alex Jones is immune. Conspiracy guys are always immune to the brainwashing they see everywhere. White-Guy egotism.)
Organized religion is brainwashing us. (Doesn't Alex realize brainless people cannot brainwash?)
My cable show brainwashes you. (If that were true, people would be sending me money.)
The secret ruling elite of the world are putting up buildings that look like owls. (Only conspiracy people can see these owls, in case you were wondering. I wonder why they don't build pyramids with eyes on top of them.)
Most major police chiefs are CIA operatives.
Gloria Steinham is a CIA operative.
The voting-machine companies are openly run by the CIA. ("Openly run by the CIA" sounds like an oxymoron to me.)
The Quakers are communists. (Er...I thought communists were atheists. Of course, right-wing loonies have no concept of what communism is.)
All of Clinton's cabinet were Jewish. (Alex is not anti-Semitic. I don't know why he said this. Another dream, I guess.)
People in Holland have tattoos saying "Don't Kill Me." (A tougher country than we thought.)
Lyndon Johnson had John Kennedy killed. (I guess JFK was stupid, choosing LBJ as his running mate like that. Conspiracy guys are stupid, so they think everybody is stupid.)
The UN has sold thousands of children into slavery & for snuff films.
Gays are actively recruiting in our schools. (Why do right-wing loonies always believe this?)
The government keeps "giant, honeycombed hives full of toddlers drugged on lithium" (twirling their moustaches & going "NYA-HAHAHAHA!")
The Rothschilds funded Hitler. (Once again, normally smart people become staggeringly stupid in Alex's dreams.)
People in Africa tear off their arms after receiving vaccinations. (But then, we've all done that.)
The government is spraying us with EVIL CHEMICALS contained in the contrails of planes (also poisoning themselves, I guess. Shows you how ruthless the elite are.)
The United Nations goes around Africa, sterilizing women at random (twirling their moustaches & saying "Nya-ha-ha-haa!")
Every soldier who died in any war since the Civil War was a chump (you thought they were heroes; turns out they were nothing but fools; how's THAT for patriotism?)
Antidepressants are a government plot to bum us out.
The United Nations is part of a (very slow) plot to take over America.
Mercury travels from Africa to Austin on the Jet Stream. That's why Austinites have so many allergies.
IQ's are going down. (IQ's are going up.)
The cancer rate is up. (Most cancer rates are down.)
During his inauguration, President Clinton openly gave the sign of Satan for all the world to see. (They all worship Moloch, don't forget. I don't know how we get to Satan from there...but Alex says so.)
Alex Jones is saving humankind with his cable TV show, radio shows, & tapes (available for purchase, by the way).
Bad people are deliberately putting cancer viruses, AIDS viruses, & mercury in our vaccines (twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-hahaha!").
9-11 was only the beginning; there are going to be lots of even bigger domestic attacks (5 years & waiting on this prediction, Alex).
Most Americans believe the government was behind 9-11 (this is based on Alex's misreading of a Zogby poll; Alex misreads EVERYTHING)
They sacrifice babies at Bohemian Grove. (Try to imagine Richard Nixon sacrificing a baby. Or GWB. I guess Cheney would do it, perhaps inadvertently.)
They only hire people with IQ's below 100 to become police officers. (Like most "Patriots," Alex Jones is essentially a cop-hater. He will say anything bad about the police.)



& finally...my personal favorite:


Alex Jones can predict the future, because he goes to the SECRET WEBSITES where the New World Order tells you EVERYTHING IT'S GOING TO DO
Lucky- He is a guy who started out simply enough in Austin, Texas with a local show basically talking sh!t about the "man" and the "system" your typical stuff, but then he saw an oportunity to exploit 9/11 to get some real publicity and he took it.


If you were in a cabin, located deep in the woods inhabited nearby with 10 werewolves and 10 slow-moving zombies. it is 9pm, and you are a sharpshooter, armed with standard police-issue handgun with 3 silver bullets.

Assume:
1) you are trapped here with your hot gf, who is an expert in kempo and gymnastics.
2) windows are boarded up and the place durable enough to keep the forces of evil from entering.
3) you have keys to the cabin and barn.

Parked 10 feet away is a 71 Plymouth Hemi Cuda. keys were misplaced, but you have experience lockpicking your apartment complex's laundry building. Assume the fuel tank is full.

About 40 yards away is a locked barn filled with:
- a blowtorch
- one .44 Magnum
- one 12-gauge double-barreled Remington (S-mart's top of the line)
- pair of H&K's SL8's
- a wheel barrel
- 10 gallons of fuel
- a crateful of ammunition (7 rounds of ammo for each weapon).
- one Kawasaki dirtbike
- mound of silver ore

Q: What to do in this situation?


inhabited by werewolves and slow-moving zombies... it is 9pm, and you are armed only with a standard police-issue handgun with 3 silver bullets.

Assume:
1) you are trapped here with your hot gf, who is an expert in kempo and gymnastics.
2) windows are boarded up and that the wood and locks are durable enough to keep the forces of evil from entering.
3) you have keys to the cabin and barn.

Parked 10 feet away is a 71 Plymouth Hemi Cuda. keys were misplaced, but you have experience lockpicking your apartment complex's laundry building. Assume the fuel tank is full.

About 40 yards away is a locked barn filled with:
- a blowtorch
- one .44 Magnum
- one 12-gauge double-barreled Remington (S-mart's top of the line)
- pair of H&K's SL8's
- one Steyr TMP
- a wheel barrel
- 10 gallons of fuel
- a crateful of ammunition (ample supply for each type of weapon).
- one Kawasaki dirtbike
- mound of silver ore

Q: What to do in this situation?


#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

muahahahahahahahahhahahahhahaahahhaha....
what do you think ???